Our song. Because someone asked.

After one harmless crack about his "harem",  Mr. Funny Hat declared that the Vienna Boys Choir will NEVER sing "The Ballad of Smugglers' Inn".  Line forms  to the left, Papi.

The Ballad of Smugglers' Inn 

(To the tune of "Ho da fare un drama buffo" from Rossini's Il Turco en Italia) 

SINGER:  Our restaurant was, like, awesome, great.  Each night we served 200 plates, of lobster, shrimp and blackened steak.  Our bartenders scored like Penn State.  But that was 1978.  Oh, cry for SMUGGLERS’ INN! 

CHORUS: Smugglers’ Inn!  Smugglers, Inn!  Oh, glory days, where have you been?  You’d think that puffed sleeves weren’t in.  Oh,  cry for Smugglers’ Inn!

SINGER:  The take is off more every year.  Theme restaurants have grown passe’.  We keep the lights on, god knows how, but the chowder’s sometimes nas-tay.

CHORUS:  Smugglers Inn!  Smugglers Inn!  You might have died like Gunga Dinn.  But you didn’t know when to pack it.   'Da World don't need one more has-been.  You’re evicted, Smugglers’ Inn!

SINGER:  The end had come, we couldn’t doodle.  We had to sell kits and kaboodles.  We broke out a case of Boodles.  Martini-fueled, we wrote some ads.  To hawk our broiler, bar and dishes.  Plus some pretty fake stuffed fishes. 

Suck the corpse of Smugglerss’ Inn!  “Disco’s dead but we’ve kept its balls.” “Two hundred for a wine cooler?  We must be drunk.”

Our ads stood out in “Trading Times”, In “Business Trader”,  a sensation.  Then Conan reads some on Late Night, in front of the whole nation. 

“Who would have predicted?  To creativity we were now addicted.”

CHORUS:  Smuggler’s Inn!  Smugglers’ Inn!  From Surf ‘n Turf to new business wins.  The unlikliest agency that’s ever been!  And if we don’t run out gin, we’re bound to win a lion or at least a pin.   Hurray for Smugglers’ Inn!  God Bless America! 

VOICES (OUT):  “Let’s do lunch.”   “I’m Ramone, I’ll be your creative director…can I start you with a web page?”  “Ha-ha-ha!  You should be writing this…”

Lost and Found

Another year has come and gone in Blaine, Minnesota, leaving behind expectations not met, tires not rotated, pounds not lost, outstanding balances not paid, summonses not served and the bond measure for the Olympic velodrome still bogged down in committee. Welcome, 2012; hope you have better luck than the last guy.

Smugglers’ Inn had a great New Year’s Eve, thank you for asking. Our bar rocked from 9 o’clock on and there were no fights with weapons. The kitchen stayed busy, but with a prix fixe menu and two seatings that are always full, it’s the flow of booze that determines if you’re up or down and we are winning like Charlie Sheen. Given that our little advertising sideline brought in less in November/December than a bell ringer outside of Ron Paul’s campaign headquarters, it felt nice to have too much business again—even if it was only for a night.

We will have to wait until our mid-month inventory to run the numbers, but there is a way that we in the trade use to predict the relative sobriety of a New Year's Eve crowd: from the things that crowd leaves behind.

A policing of our bar, dining area, parking lot and adjacent shrubbery recovered the following items:

Man’s chain wallet, black, empty.

Buck knife, tip broken.

4-oz. can of mace in leather pouch, full.

14-oz can of bear repellent, 1/2 full.

Hat, women’s, vintage with feather.

Women’s red size 8 pump, left.

Women’s “Bedazzled” handbag containing used Kleenexes, assorted pens and pencils, prescription glasses and 1/2 bag of candy orange slices (Fritzie Fresh).

Plush toy pig with motorcycle jacket.

Prescription glasses (bifocals), mens steel frame.

Reading glasses, red, women's.

Sunglasses, “Blue Blockers” brand.

Birth Control “daisy wheel”, Loestrin brand, unused.

Man’s wedding band, platinum, “Love Never Dies” inscription.

3-tooth retainer with gold fittings, (woman’s or child’s).

Four Smugglers’ Inn pewter plates. (People are always stealing these decorative plates. Judging from the dents and scrapes, these four had been used as Frisbees.)

Men’s Rolex watch (fake).

Gun holster, black, concealed carry.

Car keys, Kia.

Car Keys, Pontiac, Green Bay Packers fob.

Bong, red, white and blue acrylic, missing bowl

Women’s Hermes scarf, silk, soiled.

Women’s panties, black cotton/polyester, size 9 (still in the plastic from Victoria’s Secret).

Hearing aid, MircoTek Vector brand.

Plastic bag from CVS containing Gynolotrimin, Dentyne Ice chewing gum, Pepto Bismol (mint), 3-pack, Trojan Max condoms, Bausch and Lomb “No Rub” contact lens solution, Chapstick.

“Live Strong” yellow silicone wrist band.

Droid Razr cell phone.

IPod Nano, pink.

Two-year AA sobriety medallion (oops).

Wizard’s cap, handmade, purple satin with stars.

It goes without saying that this does not include the baseball caps, underwear, ear muffs, stocking caps, pens, lighters, children’s art, and other assorted detritus that goes straight into the trash.

If anything from this list belong to you, you may pick it up during our regular business hours or contact us through this website. Unclaimed items will be tossed into the "Pirate's Booty" box, picked through by our employees and accidentally discarded the next time is occurs to any of us that we could use a little more space.

Peace on Earth and best wishes for a safe and prosperous New Year. Live strong,

Smugglers’ Inn

Holiday Greetings

That was then.

This is now.

Judging from the recent flurry of inactivity at the Smugglers’ Inn communal desk, it would seem we have reached another holiday season. A few years back, Smugs initiated a tradition of sending flowers to representatives of companies that we had solicited business from in the previous year. Specifically, those gatekeepers, marketing managers and creative directors who had NOT hired us. Our card thanked these entities for allowing us so much time to come up with brilliant, unexpected advertising for their competitors.

The response below was typical.

“Ha! Thanks for the flowers. You made me laugh. I PROMISE you we’ll work together in 2011.”

We congratulated ourselves on our ingenious use of reverse psychology and waited for the work to come in.

We’re still waiting. At present, the number of $75 bouquets that we’ve converted to paying gigs stands at zero. As in zero.

Not surprisingly, this year, we won’t be sending flowers to those who attempt to resist the Smugglers’ Inn Juggernaut. Rather, we will be making charitable donations on their behalf. Don’t get excited, we’re still the same petty, selfish people we blame our parents for becoming. The donations were for five bucks each and the charity is the Red Crescent. The Red Crescent is a disaster relief agency just like the Red Cross, except its area of service is the Middle East. Palestine, Syria, Yemen—all those places. Israel? No, we don’t think so. Curiously, our State Department and Department of Homeland Security take a keen interest in anyone who gives money to the Red Crescent.

We won’t tell you if a donation was made in your name, but we do promise to wave to you should we encounter you in an airport as we run off to the next Smugglers’ Inn assignment. Being on a watch list really isn’t so bad, just allow an extra two hours when you go to the airport for the interrogation and cavity search.

Peace on Earth! Good will to all!

Smugglers’ Inn

Fool us once...

Release the Kraken!

...shame on you. Fool us three times, we will go to your house and lie in wait with a canvas mailbag, a zip tie and Rommel, the 12 lb. Maine lobster (and an angry lobster he is). Followers of Smugglers’ Inn will be shocked to learn that there is no event called “Soupstock”, no Prop 192 and no Lagos Entertainment with access to stars like Shakira and Garth Brooks. Oh, and Latka from Taxi? Still dead. Better you should hear it from us than read about it in the Anoka County Shopper.

It appears that your favorite restaurant and ours has fallen prey to a gang of sophisticated crooks whose online signature indicates their headquarters is an internet café in Lagos, Nigeria. The response of our own Department of Homeland Security when we informed them of our suspicions that foreign cyber-terrorists were launching attacks on honest-to-Abe Lincoln American small businesses?

“Duh!”

I do not know if this reference predates most of the readers of this blog, but in 276 episodes of Dragnet, Jack Webb never once responded to a concerned citizen with “duh”. If a citizen was hysterical, Joe Friday may have brought her down to earth with a respectful, “Just the facts, Ma’am,” but he would not try to make her feel stupid, even if she had insisted on sharing her hypothesis that her neighbor, whose arrow-riddled corpse was floating face down in his swimming pool, had committed suicide.

To add injury to insult, the souvenir Garth Brooks/Smugglers’ Inn cowboy hats that we had reprinted with “Latka from Taxi” came back from the silkscreeners misspelled. Who will want them now?

Luckily, as one door closes, another opens up. Sometimes, this is because you are standing on a trap door, but in our case, it appears karma has finally gotten off its dimpled behind and rewarded us for being good boys and girls.

I calculate that with a 34% food cost, we would need to sell something like 5,000 bowls of clam chowder to make up for our losses on Soupstock. The stuff is good, but heroin it ain't.

The future was looking bleak until we received an offer to participate in a new business venture that promised to pay us a return almost exactly equal to the amount we had spent on Soupstock. Here’s the really freaky part—this great offer comes from the same country, Nigeria. What are the odds? We can’t discuss details, but suffice it to say once we have established our money laundering-- pardon me, “currency trading” account at The Goodluck Jonathan Bank of Nigeria, we won’t be terribly concerned about a few ruined cowboy hats.

All we really need is a few thousand to get the ball rolling. Anybody out there need some award-worthy Smugglers’ Inn brand mojo? The holidays are coming up; we also do catering. Please think about it. Just please don’t think too long, as after 14 days, this incredible offer will go to another lucky business with a reputation for honesty and the same number of lucky letters in its name.

Ladka from "Taxi" to read Smugglers' Inn theme song.

by Lindsay Cheltenham-Pierce, society reporter, Anoka County Shopper

“This is a great day for Smugglers’ Inn and a great day for fans of Taxi,” said a spokesman for the restaurant and sometimes ad agency who spoke with me earlier in the week. The occasion was the announcement that yet another celebrity would be performing “The Ballad of Smugglers’ Inn” during the upcoming charity event known as Soupstock. Previous assertions by Smugglers’ Inn that Shakira or Garth Brooks would be doing those 

honors have proven false.

“I mean, like, we’d still love to hear someone SING it, but after spending all that money just to get blown off by these big stars, we had to set our sights a little lower. Lagos (Lagos Entertainment, the promoters of the event) suggested Latka. The dude that played Latka, Andy Kaufman, does this spoken word stuff. I don’t really understand it. He’s a performance artist. I guess for the last 26 years, he’s been pretending to be dead, so there should be massive interest.”

When asked about their disappointing experiences with Mr. Brooks and Ms. Shakira, Smugglers’ Inn was sanguine.

“We have a saying we have the service industry: people suck. You spend thousands of dollars just getting to these stars. Their handlers just lead you on and you write them checks and then, nothing happens. Thank god, the people at Lagos are going to reimburse us for those expenses, plus the cost of 400 Shakira sings Smugglers’ Inn T-shirts and whatever we spent on those felt cowboy hats with “Garth Brooks and Smugglers Inn”. It’s all good. Except for the part about having to wait to get paid; that isn’t good.”

A date for the Soupstock, which seeks to raise money to help restaurants and hotels that have paid out more than $1,000 in fines after hiring undocumented workers, still has not been set. Calls to the promoters were not returned.

As for Andy Kaufman being alive, rumors to that effect have circulated since the comic’s death was announced in 1984. Several internet sites are dedicated to the theory that the famous hoaxer re-emerged 20 years later with a new identity—Lady Gaga.

Garth Brooks to sing Smugglers' Inn theme song.

by Lindsay Cheltenham-Pierce, society reporter, Anoka County Shopper

“We’re pinching ourselves, I mean, holy sand dabs—Garth Brooks!” said an obviously star-struck Smugglers’ Inn representative who had donned a black hat for the announcement. Brooks, the second-highest grossing solo act of all time after Elvis Presley, reportedly was “touched right here” when he had read the never-recorded lyrics, which recount the story of a struggling business’ fortuitous transition from restaurant to restaurant/ad agency, leaving out the part about the hepatitis scare in 1989 from which this restaurant never fully recovered.

Continued the spokesman, “Garth Brooks is the quintessential American and Prop 291, which is all about American freedom, is right up his alley. Frankly, I never liked what’s-her-name’s music. (A reference to Shakira whom, it had been previously reported here, had been slated to sing the Smugglers’ Inn Theme song.) She’s from Colombia, not the District of--the Colombia by Chile and Brazil. Those people have no conception of time; I think its something in their genes. Anyway, she had conflict. The guys at Lagos were P-O’ed. Well, they sure made it right. Yee-ha! Garth Brooks.”

“Lagos” is Lagos Star Entertainment, the promoters of the concert event known as “Soupstock”, which seeks to raise lobbying money to promote measures granting fast track status to undocumented kitchen workers. Lagos is reportedly in “final negotiation” with the country superstar.

Shakira to sing Smugglers' Inn theme song.

by Lindsay Cheltenham-Pierce, society reporter, Anoka County Shopper

Smugglers’ Inn is in talks with international superstar, Shakira (no last name), to perform its company theme song during an upcoming charity event. The multi-venue concert, known as “Soupstock”, seeks to raise awareness for Prop 33, which would confer automatic guest worker status to any restaurant or hotel worker on the job more than six months and, secondarily, to compensate those businesses which have negatively impacted by stepped-up enforcement of laws that levy heavy fines on employers of undocumented immigrants.

“We’re delighted that Shakira will be the first artist to perform our theme song,” said a Smugglers’ Inn spokesman, who met with me in the office of the restaurant and occasional ad agency. “This woman is amazing, she sings, she dances, she acts—she’s the Sammy Davis, Jr. of South America.” Added one obviously excited young man in a hairnet who was chopping vegetables, ” Shakira es numero uno. ¡Mira! Puse su nombre en mi brazo!"

An agreement, under which participating restaurant and hotel owners will underwrite the concert in exchange for merchandising rights and a percentage of income from download revenues, was negotiated by Lagos Star Entertainment, LLC.